Meateaters Anonymous

I applied for a job. Yes ladies and gentlemen I didn't think I'd be back so soon. Joke by the way. I'm back on the market selling myself to whoever wants to take me. Well one particular Web site that I am interested in. I'ts called FitSugar. It's like a women's site focusing on health and nutrition. Being an athlete my whole life I figure its perfect. But lately feeling a little guilty about my diet. I broke my pescatarianism. I never thought I'd see the day.

It all started at the Renaissance Faire when Josh and I decided hey why dont we buy a turkey leg. Actually it was even before then. My cousins decided to go to Lucille's and I fully participated in chowing down on some BBQ tri tip. I totally felt gross and tired after, so I decided that it was a bad choice. But the turkey is was a different story. When your at the faire and seeing everyone dressed up in their skirts and flower crowns, you get lost in the moment of all the activity.

So I thought hey why not I stopped myself after the tri tip I can do it again. A couple weeks pass, and I blame late night munchies for this. The thing that led to my downfall was Korean BBQ short ribs. After going to a bar with fam and a friend, we were all hungry. I was starving so I said, "Fuck it ... " I picked up that short rib and it was heaven. Since then I've been on a Kalbi Rib craze. But I always go through food craving obsessions. Like the time I ate Boiling Crab and Michael's Cajun Seafood shrimps 5 times in one week. Another thing is that my meds increase my appetite, which is hilarious because even before my meds I had a big appetite to begin with. Hello? My last name is Corpuz. All we do is eat.

Anyway, I'm trying to counteract this glutony with exercise and hopefully I can be credited as a fitness and nutrition editor.

Ray, my sister's boyfriend, however, as you should know is a raw foodist said about meat, "Once you go, you never come back." Is this true? Did I cross the line entering the meateater world of no return? I guess I can think about it as I enjoy another plate of short ribs.

The Bruiser

Dear Phoebe,

Happy Birthday! Now you are 2 years old. The year has flown by hasn't it? Another awesome time at the Ambrosio house! And guess what? I was actually on time. I know! I am so proud of myself. I walked in however to find that you were sleeping and had accidentally smashed your finger in the door. Your parents told me it was because you were sleepy, apparently you lose motor skills when this happens : ( Hope your finger is OK. 

Most of the time you were sleeping, but hey there's nothing wrong with that. Get your beauty sleep girl. There were a whole bunch of kids playing in your backyard and your parents even rented a jumper. They also had a sundae station where the kids could make there own with waffle cone bowls and special toppings. When you did wake up, your hair was a little messy and you looked bleary eyed, but were not grouchy as most kids are when they wake up from a nap. We crowned you with a special birthday hat and once we gave you some juice you were ready to go. According to your Auntie Aida, you are a huge juice-aholic. As long as it's Trader Joe's juice I'm all for it. Those juice boxes are addicting. May I add I love coming over to your parties cause I know you mom likes to serve those for the kids.

You didn't miss all the action though the giveaways were one of the most popular things: Bubbles! Your mom was blowing bubbles in you backyard and you were going crazy looking at em. You were so excited jumping up and down and clapping your hands. At first no one could get the bubble wand out, so I had to help. Everyone was blowing bubbles.

I hope you like the gift. Auntie Aida said that you took that big stuff dog put it in a choke hold and slammed it in the ground. She said you are freakishly strong for a 2 year old. I totally missed that. But I am definitely impressed. She likes to call you a bruiser. And I've seen you in action. Your feistiness only is getting stronger. One time you at my house and Josh was running with a ball, you were holding on to him while chasing him, practically being dragged. When you'd get the ball you'd roll on it belly side like some kinda pilates move. It was pretty hilarious.

Another funny moment was at Easter you had this pretty dress on but while eating a cupcake you got icing all over yourself. Lola Linda gave you a Nefful shirt to wear. I dunno if it will be still around when you get older, but Nefful is the new fam craze. It's suppose to give you negative ions and heal all kinds of things. Don't ask me to explain ask Lola Linda. Anyway, your mom wanted to put some clothes on ya, but you kept running around and didn't want to. However, you did want to wear your colorful Easter hat still. Your mom said you looked like a crazy homeless baby, all for laughs though. 

Anyway, I hope you had a good birthday!

Love, 

Ninang Jana 

 

Dishes vs. Writing

Fuckin' Josh. Oh yeah he's the guy I'm dating right now. I should totally pull an I'm pregnant April fool's day joke on him but I don't want to jinx myself. Anyway, he pushed me to write. Yeah it's been a while. I guess that's a good thing. Well it's a great thing. The deal is that he will wash the dishes and all I have to do is write for as long as he washes them for, which he says will only take about 10 minutes. 

So here I sit trying to right this piece while trying not to get sucked into the food network. My favorite channel. Barefoot Contessa is on which is usually the program that puts me to sleep. Rachel Ray, Giada, and Alton Brown I find much more entertaining. 

I start to wonder is Josh taking his sweet ass time. What rate of dishes is he washing per minute? Hmmm... Dude Barefoot Contessa is such a snoozer. Even Paula's home cooking with her crazy southern crackhead accent can keep me awake. 

Anyway, the other day Josh took me to therapy, and seriously sometimes I go into therapy thinking "Ahhh what's the point .. again?" But most of the time I come out thinking, "If it wasn't for therapy I'd be dead!" 

I jumped into the car and just said, "I need to write more." He asked what inspires me. And I found it kind of unfortunate that nothing has been really inspiring to me lately. But I guess you can't just wait around for inspiration to give you a kick in the ass. You have to somehow inspire yourself. Or sometimes someone else needs to give you a little kick in the ass. Thanks Josh. 

Happy Valentines Day!

Valentines Day or as some like to call it Singles Awareness Day. My cousins and I have a very different name for the day. Its called Fuck You Valentines Day where we celebrate with champagne, strawberries and chocolates and celebrate our awesomeness and damn relationships to the very depths of hell. 

However this year, I actually have a valentine. Just recently started dating this guy. And even though I'm so anti-V-day because its such a bullshit holiday ... because you should be celebrating your relationship everyday of the year and I think its really cheese ball ... But he did ask me out, which my response was, my cousins are gonna kill me.  

But either way in about 3 hours I shall be enjoying ice skating and a yummy dinner of sushi. 

Baloney!

"Enjoy love when you are young because, love is not the same when you get older." Yep I told you we would be revisiting this quote over again.

Anyway my cousin thinks otherwise: "... to that thing about your religion teacher's comment -- I think it's total baloney. Love and being romantic is a life-long treasure. It gives meaning, it provides context on why you feel the way you feel, and why you view the world as you do. The older you get, sure, love and romanticism become less 'innocent' if you will, perhaps even less 'zesty.' But, love, and the quest for it, and the joy of growing it, remains, a most worthwhile adventure. Only, with more years logged in, I propose 2 possibilities -- (a) one gets more insight into himself or herself and so the love-search is more honed, more choosy and therefore, less apt to being open to other stuff that he or she would have dived into as a younger person -- this is not a bad thing, just that it takes more time for things to germinate; (b) one becomes disillusioned because he/she is not open to the quest, he/she would rather stay put in his/her current emotional state -- so a staleness sets in.

My own thought is option (a) might be a journey that exposes one's emotional vulnerabilities, and that could drive you batty at times, but totally ultimately leads to meaningful human connection and really...nourishment for the soul."

This quest he mentions is crucial. Relationsips are work and if you don't want to put in the work then guess what it's probably not gonna work out. In group today we talked about process I'm sure in relationships it's the same thing. It takes steps and it's a never ending journey trying to get to know another human being. But I what my cousin is saying that if you put in the work, it doesn't have to be that way. Accept the quest.

Homes Made Out of Ticky Tack

I was taking my usual walk in the afternoon and I came across a neighbor who was cleaning out his garage.

"How's it going?" he said.

"Good," I replied. "How are you?"

"Going for the run?" he asked.

"Well the walk," I said. "Well good luck." After my walk, he was still cleaning out some stuff. "How was it?" he asked. From there we just sparked up conversation about where I walked how I lived down the street where we went to school, our jobs and stuff. And I thought wow! A genuine human interaction. I miss those. Living in suburbia, especially in my area, we barely even know our neighbors. It's kinda sad. And we both lived here our whole lives. We are all trapped in our little houses that all look the same doing god knows what. He's 37 and a teacher currently taking a break off work. By the end of the conversation he asked if he could join me on my walk tomorrow. So I said yes.

That night I told my good friend about the whole thing and how cool it was. But as paranoid people thinking twice, we thought, you barely know this guy, what if he leads you astray in the hidden trails of Walnut and kills you. Haha. See where you catastrophic minds take us. My friend asked me it I knew his address. I told him I forgot. I just said if I go missing you know what happened, I joked.

Anyway, the I really didn't have any apprehension about the walk. I met him down the street, and we followed the Walnut trails talking about random things like music and relationships. There some things he said to me though that just sticks out. I told him I blogged then he asked what I wrote about last so I gave him the ex boyfriend story, that how we got in to the relationship area, but anyway he knew straight on point and and said you're a hopeless romantic aren't you? I admitted to being one but is it that obvious that my hopelessness shines right through me? And why do romantics have to labeled as hopeless in the first place? Can't we just be romantics? Or is the romantics world just a fantasy, which is why we are called hopeless cause what we want will never happen?

We also talked about being single. As someone older that me I thought he could give me insight as to the question that my religion teacher in high school told me that I will never forget and will probably reappear several times on this blog: " Enjoy love when you are young, because it's not the same when you get older." My neighbor said it's true. when you are older there are too many rules. The passion is gone. He said he'd rather be alone than be with someone and be disappointed. It makes a lot of sense. I don't understand why people trap themselves in relationships even though they are miserable. Well I take that back I guess I would have an idea. I've had trouble breaking away from some relationships because they were comfortable, because I needed to fill some void, because I needed validation. Hopefully my year of singledom and celibacy has cured that. Like forcing myself to be alone has somehow made myself to look within myself and be happy with it no matter what. Hmmm... maybe I need just tad bit more time. Hahah. And probably a whole other subject to another blog.

Anyway despite all the talk of about relationships and all its complexities, when we reached home we both came to the conclusion the people should connect more. Especially neighbors. We live on the same street for the love of god. Because of my encounter, not only did I NOT get killed, I had good conversations along with some exercise: a perfect combination.

Bike ride to the past

I recently saw my ex ex boyfriend at my cousin's 30th birthday party cause they are good friends. Naturally, everyone got super wasted except me of course. Amongst the madness, he came over to sit next to me, and we were catching up. While we were having a conversation, the jokes came. Here stumbles the birthday girl, "Are you guys rekindling the flame?" she yells.

"Oh lord," I mutter. We kinda just laugh it off. Family gotta love em. My mom who is still good friend's with my ex's mom always asks about him. It's almost ridiculous. My sister texts me, "I like him. You guys should get back together!" She said it would be like riding a bicycle. Umm okay!

He was my first serious boyfriend. But him and I, our relationship wasn't exactly healthy. Don't get me wrong, it was a great relationship, the majority was fun times. We were together for almost three years. But we had trust issues. He cheated on me, and near the end I began to see another guy behind his back. And then it just got ugly with the fighting. Breaking up and making up. The relationship ended with him calling me a horrible person and storming out and me slamming the door very hard while yelling at the top of my lungs some not so nice words back at him.

Months later I realized I might have made a huge mistake, but I was too late, he was with someone else already. After the news, I was devasted. He wanted me to come inside and calm down, but I was too proud. It was late at night, but I drove two blocks away from his house and cried my eyes out for about an hour and then drove home.

Now here we are. I wonder is it possible to get back with a person years after? Have we changed? Have we grown? Would things be different? It was a long time ago, yes. Would we carry the same baggage over? Or maybe the better question is, a friend said, have I grown? Have I changed? It's almost like an eternal sunshine moment, would you do it all over again? The difference is our memories are in tact. Would we have the same ending? Would the bike ride be smooth and then would we completely just crash just like we did in the past?

The idea is romantic to think of two people coming back together after years of being apart and finally learning their lessons. But then again is that reality? And it's sad to say that maybe the reality of the situation is that it could be beautiful like it was, but then after shit really hits the fan and we are back fighting with same insecurites and issues. We all know that relationships are work. Hard work. But I guess it all depends if that work is worth it.

And this is what happens when an incessant thinker has too much time on her hands. None of these thoughts have probably never even crossed his mind. I guess in the meantime I'm gonna just have to bike on my own.

Someone once said there's always music

God there is nothing like music that reaches deep into my soul and heals. Its something that no medication or person can fix. It's tones and vibrations makes me feel like me again. Like Carlos says in group, its these things that we should revisit often when you feel lost. Writing as well. We as people get so involved in our busy lives we forget to do the things we love. In my case, I've just lost motivation and interest to do anything. But I'm making efforts to push myself. Other wise words from Carlos: You can't wait for the motivation to come, because it's not. You just have to do it and the motivation will follow later through the actions.